izzy

A while ago, I made a list of autistic traits based on the ICD-11 criteria, to help people better understand it. To help me better understand myself, I used that list to write down examples of the way these traits express themselves in me.

Social

• I tend to miss sarcasm. Usually it takes someone repeating the same statement multiple times and exaggerating in content and tone for me to understand.
• When taking the RME (Reading the mind in the eye) test, I score an average result – but it takes me about ten times as long than it's supposed to and often feels like guesswork
• I don't pick up well on implied communication. This can cause anxiety because I feel like I'm missing something but I don't know what it is (or it it's even true)
• I take a while to process language, especially if there is some implied meaning I have to figure out. This can cause me to respond too late or not at all
• I've noticed that whenever I think back to a past conversation, I remember how the walls or the floor looked like, but less about the person I was talking to. Apparently I don't look at them a whole lot.
• I often sit or stand in positions that are interpreted as nonverbal communication (often rejection) by some, but it's just how I'm comfortable.
• I've trained myself out of some positions (e.g. crossing my arms) and sometimes consciously mimic other people's body language to avoid miscommunication and appear friendly
• Usually when I laugh, it's because I find something funny, but laughter and smiling are also common reactions for me when I don't know how else to react or when I feel unsure. I have laughed after being told that someone died, and as a child, I remember working hard to suppress laughter when a teacher who scared me was yelling at the class.
• I've been told to “be more enthusiastic” or otherwise show more emotion
• I often accidentally end conversations because I don't know how to continue them. I've spent weeks answering a coworker's “How are you”s with “good” before it finally dawned on me that I'm supposed to ask the question back.
• I don't instinctively know what idioms mean, even when I can tell it's an idiom
• People always seem to be looking for hidden meanings in what I say, which makes it hard to get across what I actually mean
• At the same time, people don't understand when I'm being sarcastic or joking and always think I'm serious. They're as bad (or worse) at understanding my sarcasm as I am at understanding theirs
• It can be very hard to keep a conversation going. In groups, I often space out or just listen until they mention something that captures my interest
• In high school, my favorite form of conversation was sitting quietly while doing my sudokus or drawing and listening to the other people's conversations, then joining them when it got interesting, all while still looking at my paper
• I have a hard time finding out when it's my turn to talk. In the past, this has led to me not talking a lot in conversations, now it mainly leads to me interrupting others
• I often don't know how to start a conversation or interaction. This can be as simple as wishing a coworker a happy birthday – I can spend the whole day about to say it, but can never quite catch the right moment, the right words, and all the other things that need to be “right” that I don't even know about
• I need to mentally prepare myself for conversations. When someone starts talking to me unexpectedly, I may be unable to form words as I process what is happening and how to react
• I script what I'm about to say to start a conversation, and practice it multiple times in my head. Sometimes, this practice alone can take its toll on my social batteries.
• I don't think I make a difference between who I talk to, like how close we are or what the hierarchy between us is. I'm bad at estimating these things anyway.
• I tend to have a hard time knowing which observations can be extrapolated to which contexts.
  • In high school, I remember watching a girl laying her head on a boy's shoulder, which made me save the rule “Girls are supposed to lean against a boy when sitting next to one they know” to my inner social guidebook. Weeks later I learned that they were dating and realized that this might affect the social dynamics (and behavior) between them. Luckily I didn't socialize enough to embarass myself too often with generalizations like these...
• I think I'm good at imagining what (neurotypical) people might be feeling based on the context and their reaction, but this is intellect, not instinct. I was 18 and watching a 5-year old flap his hands when I first understood what people mean by “instinctively” relating to and knowing what people feel
• Even when I do know (or take an educated guess at) what people are feeling, I don't always react the “right” way. People often say to treat others the way you want to be treated, which has led to confusion when I ignored a crying classmate and left them alone (as I would've wanted others to do with me)
• After this, I've understood that it may be more socially appropriate to try to comfort the person, but since I don't know how, I still often resort to pretending I didn't see them
• Similarly, I don't know how to show excitement for someone. Flashback to when a friend, cheering, told me she got an A on her presentation and I gave her a thumbs up from the other end of the classroom while eating my bread. Did I know that I should react differently? Yes, absolutely. My brain was working hard in that moment to find out what to do. And failed.
• When people tell me something, my instinctive reaction is to show them I can relate by telling them a similar experience I've had. Apparently this can be seen as egocentric, or at least that's what the internet tells me
• Many of my friendships in early childhood were “built-in” (i.e. kids I saw everyday anyway), later on they were one-sided friendships initiated by well-meaning girls who wanted to make sure I had someone to hang out with.
• I didn't have huge issues making friends until I was around 8. That's when I started withdrawing more and more
• I don't know where the line is between acquaintances and friends, or how to cross that line
• Much (all) of my social skill set relies on observation. I can observe casual or polite interactions and mimic them. I can look up tips for job interviews on the internet and follow them. But you don't get a sneak peak into other people's close relationships (e.g. friendships) so I have no idea how to act in those. Whenever I sense an interaction becoming less casual (which, to be fair, doesn't happen that often) I can feel it slipping from my grasp, like I'm entering uncharted territory.

Repetitive Behavior

• Some change I just can't cope with, specifically when something changes about a thing that comforts me or that I like.
  • When they moved my bed in our vacation home, my mood was depressed for months, and I still hadn't quite recovered one year later, when they finally turned it back.
  • I was a shy kid. But I wasn't shy to the nail artist who did my mom's nails when I was a preteen. I hated her for changing something about my mom and I let her feel it. This, too, I was still processing months later (All this despite having quite strong values associated with bodily autonomy. I was aware that my thoughts and actions contradicted my values)
  • I could name more examples. Like the time my favorite rollercoaster replaced the song played at the beginning with a video. Or when the amusement park restaurant changed its furniture. The pattern is always the same: Something familiar and comforting changes in one aspect and I fall apart.
• Some routines and patterns are just comforting, in a way. Imagine smelling something that instantly reminds you of a memory you associate with the smell (e.g. the smell of lemon cake reminding you of sitting with your family and laughing). That's what these patterns are for me. I listen to a song and am instantly and strongly reminded of the place I was at last time I listened to it. I sit in a restaurant and feel like I can already smell the food I ate there last time. I play a game and feel like something is missing without the audiobook I listened to last time. Doing those same things again in the same combination just tickles all the right brain cells.
• I need predictability and, for things that fall outside of my routine, preparation time. Doing anything on short notice can be extremely stressful.
• Aside from distress, I simply need a certain amount of routine to function. I like vacation (as long as it's spent in a familiar environment, that is) but vacation also often means needing support with very basic skills – like someone reminding me to change my underwear.
• Whenever something interrupts my routine (this could be my mother coming home earlier or later than expected, for example) I'm like a computer that has to reboot 10 times and then instantly gets stuck because a change in routine usually involves a lot of decision-making and re-planning, and that's something I have trouble with anyway.
• When playing games, I seem to pay more attention to the rules than others do, which confuses me. I ask for clarification, but people usually take that to mean that I think I'm being treated unfairly (and then annoyingly insisting on small and meaningless things). In reality, I'm just confused. I don't get the fun in a game that just arbitrarily changes its rules.
  • A few years ago, we played Categories at school. One category was “school”, and for the letter “K”, I went with “kindergarten”. I didn't get a point because “we're doing British English and kindergarten isn't part of the British school system”. ok i guess. I thought such a rule should've been specified before, but whatever. The other students wanted to keep playing and I wasn't going to be the annoying person that kept them from it. Yet. But then another student came up with a solution that my teacher first said didn't make sense (i think it was “brown folder” for “B”) but then gave a point for anyway. I asked for clarification (why is “kindergarten” against the rules but “brown folder” is not) but my teacher made no attempt to answer what should've been a simple question, instead basically telling me to just accept it and move on. At the end, she told me I could write down half a point, which I reluctantly agreed to (because, again, I didn't wanna be the one ruining the game for the rest of the class), but inside I was angry and still confused – giving half points was even more illogical than the situation we started with.
• I like creating lists and categorize things related to topics I like. Tree-diagram categorizations are especially great
• I stim.
  • I stim when I'm excited (hand flapping, rocking, jumping) and it makes the hapliness even bigger, when I'm stressed (rocking) and it comforts me, when I'm in thought (hand-wringing, hair-twirling, pacing) and it helps me focus
  • Some of my stims are self-injurious, mainly skin-picking. Stim toys and another person (my mother) can help in redirecting them, but usually only for a short while.
  • I stim to cope with uncomfortable sensations. Brushing my teeth is usually accompanied by sideways rocking, finger twisting, and hand-flapping. Re-learning how to stim was a key skill in getting myself to brush my teeth more or less regularly.
  • I stim to cope with sensory hyposensitivity, e.g. moving or putting pressure on my legs to feel them. This often involves sitting in positions or places others would find uncomfortable, e.g. I always remove seat cushions before sitting on a chair, at home I sometimes sit holding my left leg in my arm, or lie on the hard floor.
  • I stim because it's fun and comfortable. Touching soft and cold fabrics. Being on a swing and feeling the air move. Closing my eyes and look what the light does. Moving my hands through water.
    I stim myself to sleep.
  • I still toe-walk as an adult and have done so since I could walk. I often have my hands up in a “raptor hands” position
• Some sensory information is a lot stronger for me than it is for others
  • Fabrics can hurt. I don't wear jeans. It's difficult to find clothes I'm comfortable in at the store. Some clothes can be downright painful. I love buying pyjamas because they're the only clothing item of which I'm likely to find something I actually like
  • I always use the blue-light filter on my phone or I get a headache. I'm faster to blink or close my eyes at bright lights than others are. I sleep best in a pitch-black room.
  • I have difficulty putting things in the dishwasher abd emptying it, among other reasons because of the smell, the noise of porcelain against porcelain, and the feel of some materials (freshly cleaned glass, ew) against my skin.
  • Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and irritable for no apparent reason. I've learned that wearing ear defenders can reduce or delay this feeling, making me assume that it's likely senaory overload
• Some sensory information is a lot less intense to me than to others
  • I don't seem to get strong toothaches, despite severe problems with cavities
  • Sometimes I can't tell where my body parts are in space. I might lie in bed and thing my feet are both to the right side right next to each other, but then I move them and notice one of my feet is actually further away
• Sometimes I can't identify a stimulus
  • I often can't tell if something smells good or bad before knowing what it is
  • I often can't distinguish between hunger, fullness, thirst, constipation excitement, anxiety and other sensations. I need context to know.
• People perceive my interests as obsessive or more intense than theirs. I like to spend all of my free time on 1-2 interests, and they're always more important to me than social interaction. I get very excited when someone mentions my interests in a context I don't expect them to. Their interests may need to be “obsessive” before they would spend so much time on them, but for me it's (usually) just something I like. Every once in a while I might get an interest that is actually very strong and it's the best feeling in the world.

Other

• I constantly bump into things. If you want me to walk in a straight line, draw one on the floor I guess
• “Intellectual” tasks (academics, studying, pattern recognition) are marginally easier for me to learn than motor skills or social skills (see all of the above), but the most difficult skills are practical ones. I've been told “But you're so smart” by people who didn't believe me that I didn't understand a thing that was easy for them.