A Nightly Report

No idea I have is sticking. So stream of consciousness it is. Rules are as follows:

Write the first thing that comes to mind. If there are spelling mistakes leave them. Edit later if you can help it.

The noise of my keyboard is so loud and it's so late i feel like the whole house will hear me. It's like I'm whispering into my keyboard through my fingers.

I'm finding it hard to express my thoughts lately. Or rather, I find that I don't have anything to say as an individual. I'm afraid that I'll just spout talking points and non-sequitur to get through a conversation and get back to work as fast as possible. Writing used to help with that a bit. I stopped writing frequently about a year ago when most of what I was writing was anxiety fueled paranoia and depressing. Writing that stuff wasn't helping, it was re-enforcing the terrible thoughts in my head. I'm feeling much better now and more willing to explore different topics. I'm not stuck in my head as much, but I am still quite insecure. I'm reluctant to share my thoughts on anything even under the guise of pseudo-anonymity. It's as if each of my thoughts carries a consequence. Every idea is a risk. I know what I sound like. I know how that appears. But it's a way of thinking I've had for a very long time that I've been unable to shake. I'm not happy with it.